I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
