Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
