you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
