she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
