Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
