He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
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I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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