I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
