i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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