if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
