With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
