I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
