it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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