At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
