a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
