I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
