I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
