booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
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So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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