Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
