just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
