I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
