haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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