Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
