I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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