oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
