so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
