Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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