Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my being single is dangerous.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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