my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
