Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
