Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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