he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
