Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
