can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
