there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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