but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
