I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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