i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
