you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
