Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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