My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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