the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
