You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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