A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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