I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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