never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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