Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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