After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
