hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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