I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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