it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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