We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
