we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
