I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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