I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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