I should be sponsored by Trojan
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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