He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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