According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
