We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
